Version created 30 January 2008
Looking down from the balcony, Catriona could see the black hole drifting towards the magnet-tube thing that Sam was holding. She heard the firefighter hanging almost level with her say ‘Everything’s going to be all right, Maria.’ On the floor below, Sam and Michael were holding up the tube, aiming it like a gun, as if they were taking part in some grotesque TV competition.
She heard Michael shout ‘Turn the power on Kissov!’
‘This is it,’ she whispered, hardly daring to speak, and grabbed Alex’s hand. It wrapped around hers like a big warm glove. One fireman began to run down the stairs, the other along the balcony behind them, shouting at each other in French.
Then she heard Danny say ‘Here goes.’
Immediately she saw the black hole swerved, heading down faster, going straight down towards the tube, the two men, the cavern floor, the Earth.
‘Oh no!’ she screamed. ‘Sam! The black hole’s…’ The hole touched the magnet; her voice died. It happened so quickly, in a blur that seemed to last forever.
Without a sound the magnet, Sam and Michael swirled into a whirlpool, shrinking before her eyes, falling into a maelstrom, spinning faster, vanishing in the blink of an eye. ‘They’ve gone!’ Before she knew what had happened it was all over.
‘Like a vacuum cleaner…’ Alex sounded dazed too.
Catriona blinked again, hoping her eyes would tell a different story, but still she couldn’t see them. They weren’t there! And the shape of them still fresh in her mind, like the memory of a dream. Where’ve you gone Sam? Her mind was reeling. This can’t be happening.
At last Catriona found her voice. ‘Sam!’ she screamed, ‘Sam! Sam! Sam!’ But he didn’t answer. All she could see was the black hole moving where the tube had been, where Sam had been. Now she saw, more clearly than she had ever seen in her life before, how much she loved him. He was a thoroughly good, kind, generous man who was always there for her when she needed him, while her selfish bitch of a Mother was out pursuing her own career. And now he wasn’t there any more.
‘It’s swallowed them.’ Alex couldn’t believe it either.
She felt nauseous, looked away, gripped his hand tighter. ‘What’s happening?’
‘It’s still moving. I think it’s going to hit the ground.’
‘I can’t watch.’ But even as she said it her head turned, she peered over the handrail as if forced to look. Hypnotized by horror, Catriona saw the black hole hit the ground, saw a blinding flash of bright blue light, heard Maria screa
January 30, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Suggestion on structure.
Phil – as I said, I like what you’ve done with the narrative. However, I have a suggestion on how you could srtucture first chapters for maximum dramatic effect.
Combine and Intercut Chapter 2 and Chapter 1.
That is, scene with Michael. Scene with Catriona. Michael. Catriona. Michael. Catriona. etc….
A good technique is to start off with long scenes. So, 2 pages Michael, 2 pages Cat. Then 1.5 pages Mich, 1.5 pages Cat, than 1 page each, then .5 page, then a few lines, then a single line – the ultimate dramatic moment happens to them both…..
So Chapter 1 becomes Michael and Cat and the big event….
Chapters 2, 3 and 4, I would suggest you then step back in time to the morning. Take what you’ve done in the prequel and pick out the really really relevant bits to setup your main characters and the BIG event. You can do this pretty quick by blagging it all from the text you’ve already written..(but NO long and waffly ’science’ bits!! – think ‘Establishing Character’ ALL the time)
Chapter 5, then return to the now. But come in from a different characters POV – maybe Danny?
Then the story really takes off.
Look, this is only a suggestion…..but I reckon it would make a cracking good read.
What d’you reckon?
January 30, 2008 at 6:39 pm
As always I find FUWS’s comments extremely interesting and useful, especially so considering how these two characters will develop.
At present I’m still struggling with the second half of the first chapter. Once I’ve written that I’ll come back to this inter-cutting idea and try it out to see if it works. But it sounds very exciting. Thanks again.